Mr A's work commitments have taken him far and wide for the duration of the week, so yet again, I find myself alone with only my thoughts to keep me company. I've utilised my time well and looked upon it as an opportunity to take stock of my life, without any distractions.
In Mr A's absence, I've been reflecting on the last few years of my life and how much things have changed for me, all for the better I might add. I love my life at present and I'm blissfully happy with the journey Mr A and I are taking together, even though our relationship is still in its infancy. How long will this happiness last? Who knows. Judging things purely on the way I feel now, I'd love to say for eternity, but I never take anything for granted and I'm fully aware that in most instances, nothing lasts forever.
However, what I do know is that I'm where I am today because of the choices I've made. Rightly or wrongly, all the things that have happened to me during my thirty something years on this planet (oh come on, you didn't think I was going to tell you my age did you?) have happened for a reason and were all par for the course, guiding me to where I am at this point in time. Although I can't help but wonder how different my life would be, had I made different choices.
The film Sliding Doors starring Gwyneth Paltrow is a great example of what I'm talking about here. The film tells a tale of a young woman's life from two different perspectives. It highlights how her life would have changed significantly, had she caught the train to work a minute later that morning. The concept of the film is very thought provoking and begs the question that each of us has probably pondered at some point during our lives, I guess it could be defined as a 'what If' moment.
Not so long ago, I wrote a blog post on flirting. I mentioned that I had had an encounter with a man named Alex and although this was many years ago, I still think about him from time to time. Today happened to be one of those days.
I was 22 years old and in a long distance relationship when I first made his aquaintence. He was 27, single and the friend of a female colleague, On that fated day, he had come to my workplace to meet my colleague, Anna and was waiting for her outside as I left the building. He caught my eye immediately and we engaged in eye contact. He was gorgeous. It was a strangely intense moment and although we didn't speak, I was captivated by him. Tall, dark and ruggedly handsome, his gaze sent shivers down my spine. Thoughts of our chance meeting occupied my mind for the rest of the evening. Crazy how just one look could ignite such strong emotions.
Over the coming weeks we became more familiar, as he continued to show up at my workplace.
"He really likes you, you know," Anna informed me one day, as we discussed the fact that she was meeting him that evening. "I thought it was blatantly obvious. Why else do you think he keeps arranging to meet me? He thinks you are the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, but I've told him you're out of bounds."
I remember my heart racing with excitement as I digested her words, it was music to my ears. However, she was totally right, I was out of bounds. Cheating wasn't an option for me, no matter how much I fancied someone.
One evening, Anna and I had been invited to a birthday party at a nightclub. She had forewarned me that Alex would be there. I felt sure she was using some form emotional blackmail strategy to entice me to go along with her. She knew I fancied him and even though I played my feelings down, she obviously saw through the façade. She wasted no time telling me that it was a dead giveaway, that my eyes always seemed to light up at the mere mention of his name.
With no arm twisting required, I accompanied her to the party. I was desparate to see him, to share the same space and breathe the same air as him. He'd taken up permanent residency in my thoughts from the first moment I'd set eyes upon him. Sure enough, he was there when we arrived, standing on the edge of the dance floor with a group of male friends. My heart skipped a beat. Our eyes followed each other around all night, stealing sneaky glimpses across the smoke filled room. Cheeky smiles and flirtatious body language reaffirmed the fact that we were both feeling a connection.
Damn, I wish I was your lover By Sophie B Hawkins blasted out from the large speakers that hung around the club. Holding hands, Anna and I made our way onto the crowded dance floor. As we danced to the mid-tempo beat of the song, I became aware of his presence. He had stealthily moved in behind me, grabbing my hips, he pulled me towards him. I could feel the stiffness of his erection as he pressed it firmly into my arse. His warm breath on the back of my neck caused my body to tingle, as we began to gyrate in unison to the music.
At that precise moment, I wanted him, badly, but I'd had a lot to drink. When the song finished, I took a reality check and once again reminded myself that I had a boyfriend. Excusing myself politely, I made a beeline for the ladies toilets, leaving him stranded on the dancefloor, alone with his erection. When I returned some minutes later, he was nowhere to be seen.
"Cock tease!" Spouted Anna, "don't lead him on, he's a really nice guy."
I wasn't leading him on, he'd encroached upon me that evening. Maybe it was wrong of me to dance with him in that way, but the fact remained, I fancied the pants off him and couldn't get him out of my head.
Our flirtatious exchanges continued for several months. I saw him more frequently on nights out with Anna. The more we chatted, the more I got to know him and the more I liked him. All who knew us said we had a definite chemistry and I wouldn't have disagreed.
Then one day, whilst on a shopping trip, I bumped into him. He asked if I fancied grabbing a coffee, to which I agreed without hesitation. It was only a coffee right? I didn't consider it to be cheating.
As he sat opposite me, we chatted at great length. Our banter was typically flirtatious but never overstepped the mark at any point. I felt relaxed in his company. I'm not going to lie, as I watched the words flow from his mouth, I found myself wondering what it would be like to Fuck him, to feel his hands all over my body, to take him in my mouth. I'd had a taste, albeit a brief one, I yearned for more.
Then, out of the blue, he asked me if I'd like to go back to his house for the afternoon. It was a tempting offer, one I should have refused, but I didnt. We quickly finished our coffee and off we headed.
We spent an hour or so looking through his extensive CD collection, he had a broad taste in music, as did I, suddenly this was something we had in common. We sat on the floor amongst piles of CDs, chatting about our mutual love of certain musical genres and bands, when he spontaneously went in for the kill and kissed me. I sensed it was coming, but still it stopped me dead in my tracks. He tried to kiss me a second time, but I recoiled. The look of embarrassment on his face spoke volumes. He assumed it was what I wanted. Maybe I had unintentionally given him signals that suggested I did, it was hard not to flirt with him. Unfortunately it had to be the case of another time, another place. Trying to do the right thing, I told him really liked him, but felt it wouldn't work. He tried to make me see the error of my ways, but I stuck to my guns, as much as it pained me to do so. I grabbed my coat and left his house. His parting words still ring in my ears today.
"I hope he's worth it."
That was the last I saw of him. He stopped meeting Anna at work and shortly after I moved away to be with my boyfriend. We married at a later date and I gave birth to two, beautiful children, but sadly our marriage ended two years ago.
I often wonder what happened to Alex, was it a missed opportunity on my part? Could he have been the love of my life? It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. That isn't to say that I regret how my life turned out, because I don't. As I said before, I'm happier than ever. I've often wondered if he ever thinks of me, I'm guessing probably not after the way we left things. Although nothing happened, I will always have fond memories of him and hope that wherever he is in world he has found the happiness he deserves.
XxX
©angelgonebad 2014
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